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Darth Vader Indicted in Middle District of Florida

 

Darth Vader of Death Star, Space, 45 years old, was indicted last week in the Middle District of Florida for allegedly violating the RICO act, Conspiracy, Committing Acts of Terrorism Transcending National Boundaries, Murder, loitering and prowling, and finally, wearing a mask on a public way. Mr. Vader has long been thought to be a vital cog in the “Dark Side” organization but has to date avoided capture or criminal charge, instead going unscathed while various ranking storm trooper underlings faced a variety of criminal charges including trespass and drunk and disorderly conduct. While the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the United States Attorney’s Office have remained tight-lipped with respect to the evidence against Vader, many believe this could be it for the Dark Lord.

While it may seem to many a slam-dunk to earn a conviction against Mr. Vader, Mr. Vader’s legal counsel doesn’t think so. When asked, Mr. Vader’s lead defense counsel, Tampa criminal attorney Jason Mayberry indicated that while it may indeed be more difficult to defend against the loitering and prowling charge, it may prove to be an uphill battle in proving the terrorism charge, given a lack of eyewitnesses to Mr. Vader himself ordering or committing any act of terrorism under 18 USC 2332b. With respect to a potential conspiracy charge under 18 USC 371, Mayberry points out that there are no known remaining witnesses to attest that there was agreement to achieve an unlawful objective, that Mr. Vader knowingly and voluntarily participated in the conspiracy, and that Mr. Vader committed an overt act in furtherance of the conspiracy. United States v. Brenson, 104 F.3d 1267 (11th Cir. 1997); United States v. Suba, 132 F.3d 662 (11th Cir. 1998); United States v. Hansen, 262 F3d 1217 (11th Cir. 2001).

As to a murder charge for the death of Obi-Wan “Ben” Kenobi, Mayberry cites a claim for self-defense within one’s home. According to Mayberry, “it appears clear that Mr. Kenobi entered Mr. Vader’s home with the intent to use deadly force against him. It was Mr. Kenobi who was committing the crime of burglary against Mr. Vader, who was simply using deadly force to defend himself and his friends against the deadly force planned against him by Mr. Kenobi and his lightsaber. Furthermore, there appears to be an argument for a motion to dismiss for lack of jurisdiction in the middle district.” To Mayberry’s point, there are no known treaties between the United States and the Death Star, nor does there appear to be any enabling statutes, akin to the United States Coast Guard patrolling international waters for narcotics, in effect. A quick review of past police reports find that Obi-Wan Kenobi does have a history of brutally attacking Darth Vader leading to severe injury.

When asked about the potential RICO claim, Mayberry chose not to comment citing the likelihood of voluminous discovery that must be reviewed but did exude confidence that a jury would exonerate Mr. Vader. As to the allegation that Mr. Vader is guilty of wearing a mask on a public way, Mayberry was again defiant in the notion that his client is guilty of anything, noting that he must wear his mask as a part of his E-3778Q-1 life support system in order to breathe, thus providing him with the defense of necessity. “Are you kidding me with this? The State of Florida is piggybacking on these allegations with a misdemeanor meant to stop bank robbing and prowlers? The purported victim in the trumped-up murder charge is the very person that landed my client in his required walking prison” boldly noted Mayberry. As to the allegation that Mr. Vader is accused of loitering and prowling outside of the Outlander Club, the allegations were dismissed as absurd by Mr. Vader’s legal team.

Jason Mayberry is a Tampa criminal lawyer and Star Wars nerd serving the greater Tampa Bay area. If you’ve been charged with a Federal or State crime in Florida please contact the Mayberry Law Firm at 813-444-7435 or at 727-771-3847. If you are a fellow Star Wars nerd wishing the troll the factual sufficiency of this particular make-believe blog, turn around and walk back to your parents’ basement.